So here we are, starting our senior year of college. Between the two of us, we have over 800 Facebook friends; therefore, we are Champaign-Urbana’s local celebrities. Due to our newfound self-proclaimed celebrity status, we figured we might as well report about it, since we are the only ones who can relate. Well, at least us and other local celebrities, like the Ron Zook look-a-like- – the man with the Bears jacket who frequents campus bars and buys drinks for baby-whores – and Cochran.
To be a bit more serious, our similarities with celebrities go beyond just being popular, cutting bar lines, and having our pictures constantly tagged on Facebook. Examples? Paris Hilton lost her cell phone, and her personal numbers were publicized all over the Internet. Chloe lost hers this weekend and panicked that her phone book — which includes the numbers of Ryan ATO, Tommy Station, and Jimmy John’s — was going to be on the cover of the DI. God forbid that Jimmy John’s number gets out. Likewise, Mike is trying really hard to work on his rap career, constantly perfecting his free-style skills to the new Kevin Federline album. On any given Friday, you can spot us cruising Green Street in his silver X-Terra, blasting Steve Winwood. Also similar to K-Fed, Mike likes to bring home trashy fat chicks that are past their prime and impregnate them.
If we really were famous, we would most likely roll with the most exclusive crew possible, like Tara Reid, Nicole Richie and Mel Gibson. Speaking of celebrities, who doesn’t get drunk and yell racial slurs at police officers, run around topless during after hours, or have an eating disorder? People who aren’t popular. That’s who.
Before we go, we’d like to leave you with some of the latest jaw from around Champaign-Urbana. First off, for all of you P. Diddy loving suburbanites, Soma is hosting their own version of Diddy’s (we don’t know what he is currently going by) White Party tonight. We aren’t sure of the rules but we assume they involve wearing white. Don’t look for us there; we try to limit ourselves to one rapper-inspired bash a year, and let’s be honest, we were at the original one in the Hamptons.
Then on Saturday night, the University of Illinois football team kicks off another drinking-inspired season. It’s assumed that you all ran out to buy your tickets after one of the most dramatic commercials we have seen since thetruth.com campaign lined the outside of a tobacco building with thousands of body bags … awkward.
Until next time, we’ll keep ignoring you and you keep waiting in line at the bars.
