Lady Sovereign, the side ponytail wearin’ bad-ass rapper from across the pond, was encouraged by a chanting crowd, at her Jan. 8 show, to battle an MC in the audience – MC Jelly Donut, to be exact. And it ain’t just a name, he’s a rapper who wears a precious, squishy doughnut costume with white tights. Mmm, delectable. Now, most people have a positive reaction to jelly doughnuts – they take a lick of scrumptious jelly ooze, eat the whole thing or get a box of the powdery treats at Dunkin’ Donuts with some “coffee.” But no, not Sov – after throwing a drink in his face, spitting on him and exchanging some words, he was booted from the show, despite the crowd’s booing in hopes of keeping him there. Brian and Carlye, your friendly dessert- and rap-loving columnists are here to help you sort through this traumatic experience by answering this: If Lady Sov and MC Jelly Donut were to battle, who would have won? Let’s eat this up …
Carlye: MC Jelly Donut!
There is no doubt in my mind that a man-pastry rapper could beat Lady Sovereign in a rap battle. Sure, “bakery” doesn’t rhyme with much, but if beauty is everything, and we tweak this lyrical battle into an actual battle (which it has sort of become), we’ve got ourselves a winner.
Physically, he undoubtedly has the upper hand. A powdered sugar-covered doughnut with human arms and legs is a lot more appealing than an angry girl with crazy hair. His doughy body is precious, not to mention extremely appetizing. A life-sized blueberry muffin or chocolate cake wouldn’t interest me, but how could I not love a big ol’ jelly doughnut? America loves calories, and regular doughnuts with a hole in the middle are stripping us of our rights to an entire pastry. A jelly doughnut doesn’t cheat our hunger and that is something we can all get behind.
Now, if America can agree to support our lovely, hole-less MC Jelly Donut, there’s no chance for Lady Sovereign, who is by the way, from Britain. Lets think … Americans battling the British … that seems to ring a bell. Hmm … anyone remember the Revolutionary War? Yeah. We won. Take that, Britain, and take that, Lady Sovereign. History repeats itself. You’re done.
Hands down, MC Jelly Donut’s the clear winner, without a doubt. Take that, Sov. Give us powdered sugar doughnuts with a gooey jelly filling, or give us death!
Brian: Lady Sovereign
The self-dubbed “baddest midget” from across the pond, Lady Sov has so many things that would seem to keep her from ever being a successful rapper:
a.) being a teenage girl
b.) being from the U.K.
c.) being white
Yes, the odds were stacked against her, but that didn’t stop the Sov from approaching Jay-Z with an impromptu freestyle and consequently becoming the first foreign member of the Def Jam family. With this in mind, it seems strange that she wouldn’t help out another outcast trying to make a name for himself. Why wouldn’t Sov battle the Jelly Donut? It’s all business; she needed to keep her image.
What is even more off-putting and gimmicky in the world of hip-hop than a short stack of a British girl? A ridiculous man in tights dressed as a fruitfilled pastry, that’s what. If she let him come on stage to battle, her novelty title would be revoked and placed on the J.D. All of her MTV soundtracking and all the commercials that play her single would slip out like sand from her hands. I’m not saying the J.D. would beat her (although his parking lot, hobbit-themed freestyle was impressive), it’s just hip-hop has become a money-fueled genre; Jay-Z and Co. are always looking for a P.T. Barnum-like gimmick (why else was Li’l Jon given a career?).
That’s why I support the Sov. She’s the industry’s latest trick to capture the imagination of the ADHD USA. A moderately legitimate artist who is given a shot to make it big has got to look out for herself. Jeopardizing a career for a jelly doughnut isn’t worth it.