Carlye: Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”

Picture this: you finally get up the courage to chat with that cute, sweaty mess of a guy who always exercises on the Stairmaster next to you. Or, you actually get that pointy-nosed barista with the tortoise-rimmed glasses (who must be intellectual because she’s wearing tortoise-rimmed glasses) to go on a date with you. One thing leads to another, and you wake up in their apartment the next morning, slightly disoriented and questionably satisfied. A month later, their memory is still lingering, and it’s not because they finally called you back after “losing your number.” You’ve got it bad. Real bad.

You’ve got herpes. And it fucking sucks. But, do you know who could soften the blow of needing to participate in “the STD talk” with every future sexual partner and having to take daily medication?

Robert Plant, that’s who. Think of how good a Valtrex commercial could be if his orgasmic vocals from “Whole Lotta Love” were dubbed in between phrases such as, “Talk to your doctor before starting any new medications,” and “Not safe for children or pregnant women.”

Instead of inappropriately laughing at an awkward couple camping or rock climbing in these horribly boring advertisements, Led Zeppelin’s classic track would encourage even those who are crazy-abstinent to get off the couch and rock the fuck out for herpes’ sake.

Valtrex shouldn’t portray genital herpes as a problem that super-smiley couples have grown to overcome – it’s instead the result of a hot and sweaty night full of, well, a whole lotta loving. Giving you every inch of their love for years to come doesn’t mean you should regret the times you’ve had. Let Led Zeppelin aid you in embracing that feeling from “way down inside” … after all, it’s gonna be there for a while.

Brian: Neutral Milk Hotel’s “Holland, 1945”

Oh yes, it is time. Since the release of NMH’s revered Aeroplane over the Sea, referred to by the intelligent as the greatest album ever, the band’s music has exponentially grown in popularity and esteem. Books have been written on the album, cult followings revolve around it and matt pond PA’s atrocious cover of the title track was featured on The OC (R.I.P.). The next logical step for the legendary band to continue to grow their fan base, despite their tragic breakup long ago, is to license their music out to advertisements.

Imagine, if you will, the intro of “Holland” playing over a bunch of excited, multi-ethnic 12-year-olds. Mangum’s crooning of “1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4” would signal the start of the craziest, most carefree game of rollerblade hockey ever! The fuzz bass, the driving beat and the Anne Frank references would all channel the fun these kids can have while exercising … and wearing matching mesh jerseys! After the game, the kids would run giddily into a house where a busty housewife would have Go-gurt waiting for the tired collection of preteens. The horn arrangement near the end of the song would perfectly keep the pace while a necessary voice-over would describe the nutritional benefit that new and improved “Watermelon Blast” and “Banana Bonanza” flavored Go-gurt offers. The music would quickly cut out in time to hear one of the kids scream, “Let’s do it again.” The intro countdown would repeat, the mom would roll her eyes and smile, and it would cut to a title screen: Go-gurt rocks.

Not only will that piss off anyone who has ever heard a Neutral Milk Hotel song, but maybe it could cause the band to reunite and go on a Go-gurt and verb-sponsored school tour. Or, maybe they’ll be featured on a third-rate pseudo-indie film, become as popular as North Faces, get lazy and write a disappointing joke of a third album … oh, that’s The Shins. Sorry.

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