In a new segment tentatively called “The Fantastic Four,” Carlye and Brian discuss-and most likely complain about-four different aspects of a main theme. This week, they touch on the worst four radio songs ever made. (If you’d like to see even more, we highly recommend the “Top Songs” list on iTunes.) Enjoy!

Carlye: The Poorest of Pop.

4. “All Day Long I Dream About Sex” by J.C. Chasez

You know … I really couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. In between I-so-clearly-cannot-write-music-so-I-purchased-a-rhyming-dictionary lyrics such as “Work it while you’re on top/Call the cops” and “School’s back in session/Get ready for a lesson,” the ex-*NSYNC-er spends all ten choruses speak-shouting the title over and over. And over and over and over. I get the point, but I really just wish he would have rubbed one out instead of wasting six minutes of my life. Which brings us to …

3. “Touch of My Hand” by Britney Spears

It’s interesting. I’d actually prefer Britney to be, as she puts it, “Into myself in the most precious way.” If only she would have held true to this song of hers instead of others such as “The Hook Up” or “Boys,” she’d still be “Britney vs. Christina” Britney, instead of “Is she pregnant again, or just a big ol’ fatty?” Britney. But even still, who wants to listen to her singing about touching herself in the place from where she popped out two of K-Fed’s children? Definitely not me.

2. “The Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang

I like to think I haven’t been a pretentious asshole for too many years. However, when this song reached its popularity while I was an eigth- grader at WJHS, I knew enough to realize it was a piece of shit, still is a horrible, horrible piece of shit, and if Andrew (the token class clown wannabe, a.k.a. the pathetically unfunny kid in my homeroom) sang and danced to it one more time, I would castrate him. I haven’t been able to enjoy The Discovery Channel ever since. Thanks, Andrew.

1. “Daughter to Father (Confessions of a Broken Heart)” by Lindsay Lohan

I’ll utilize one of the two nice bones in my body and say that, all right, her voice isn’t that terrible. Unfortunately, her music is. Throughout her overly processed ballad about daddy dearest, the only word that can describe it is “creepy.” With lyrics like, “I wear all your old clothes/your old polo sweater/why’d you have to go” and the extreme lyrical repetition of her heart being broken, you can’t help but be freaked out. Someone from the DCFS needs to let her know that incest is not cool, no matter how stylish big bulky sweaters with leggings are.

Brian: The Rotten of Rock.

4. “Youth of the Nation” by P.O.D.

Ha. Ha. Ha. A creepy choir of sad teenagers made us all realize that its tough being a kid … even in America!

3. “The Reason” by Hoobastank

I love that the first line of this song is almost an apology: “I’m not a perfect person.” From the get-go, even Hoobastank knows this song Hoobasucks. I feel this was a social experiment to see how crappy of a song the industry could make into a hit.

2. “Photograph” by Nickelback

Chad Kroger’s autobiographical ballad almost made me puke (seriously). The awkward melody brought to light his horrible voice and also emphasized his poor lyrical abilities. “What the hell is on Johnny’s head?” Why would that ever be a line in a song? “Photograph” is about how Kroger dropped out of high school, which pretty much explains why Nickelback songs sound like they were written in a sophomore poetry class.

1. “Dani California” by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

If you notice, there are no rap, pop or dance songs on my list, simply because most classically bad songs, i.e. “My Humps,” aren’t supposed to be good or respected. My choices all pretend they’re something more than a miserable three-minute radio spot. “Dani California” is the worst because of this. There’s never been any attempt at growth or improvement by the Peppers; another song about California, with the same vocal melody, with the same Flea slap bass and priceless lyrics (You’re my priestess/I’m your priest). Despite all the repetition, the band parades around like musical gods. This song killed rock n’ roll; it’s no longer an important piece of mainstream music. If you want awesome pop, the radio’s the place; but it’s time to look elsewhere for rock.

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