Three days, thousands of fans, and a hundred-and-some bands. We get it: Lollapalooza is HUGE.
But while most attendees think optimistically about the plethora of music acts that will grace Grant Park, we at buzz are a more “glass half empty” kind of people. Bothered by the fact that we’ll miss so many acts due to overlapping time slots, we decided to pick which show to see based on individualized battles and mini fights to the death:
Daft Punk vs. Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals: Who could save us from an alien invasion?
They’re here. The shuttle has landed, and the little green men have finally descended upon Earth to wreak havoc. Which Friday night headliner do you call to save our beloved planet? Daft Punk may be the obvious choice. After all, they’d bring their own helmets; however, let Ben Harper serenade our invaders with “Oppression,” and the demoralized aliens will be back on that ship faster than you can say “steel guitar.”
Iggy and the Stooges vs. Kings of Leon: Who’d win in a cage match?
The members of Kings of Leon may have youth on their side, but they’d be no match for Iggy Pop in a no-holds-barred cage fight. So what if “Lust For Life” is currently selling Carnival cruises to old people? This is the man who ground shards of broken glass into his chest onstage. Like many a rock legend, scientifically speaking, Iggy should be dead 10 times over; but as long as he’s here, he can take you down.
– Bonnie Stiernberg
Lupe Fiasco vs. Amy Winehouse: Who would help you ditch a dead hooker after a crazy night in Vegas?
It’s quite obvious that both of these chart-toppers enjoy their libations. With rapper Lupe Fiasco’s album title Food & Liquor and soulstress Amy Winehouse’s fondness for getting drunk and hit’n bitches, it’s pretty safe to assume you’d be having a wild night of drunken debauchery with either of these fools. While Lupe’s obligation to the Muslim faith might make him morally inclined to pass the juice, Winehouse’s insatiable thirst for booze and violence would likely be the cause of said dead hooker troubles. But hey, at least at Amy Winehouse shows you have a good chance of seeing some projectile vomiting … if she doesn’t cancel the show first. With no pun being too lame, Lupe would solve the whole fiasco while Amy would still be stumbling around the wine house.
G. Love vs. Blonde Redhead: Who would make you pancakes the morning after?
Setting aside sexual orientation and the improbability of finding yourself alone and naked with all three members of Blonde Redhead, we must divulge just how warped rock star status has made these two artists. G. Love’s known playboy status of walking away from shows with multiple ladies resting beneath his arms leads us to believe you would wind up waking to the greeting “whoa, you’re still here” while Blonde Redhead’s sultry music whispers of passionately squeezed fresh guava juice and luscious strawberry cràpes. Although G. Love’s work with Jack Johnson suggests that maybe the Hawaiians taught him just how sensitive one can be with banana pancakes, it’s likely he would be a little too liberal with the special sauce.
STS9 vs. Motion City Soundtrack vs. Rhymefest vs. Cold War Kids: Family Feud – Things you would bring to a picnic.
What are we planning to do at this picnic? Maybe take a bunch of hallucinogenic drugs and prance about in a field? Or whine about itchy grass and dirt and wish we were Fall Out Boy? Maybe … but maybe not. Plus, if you were to bring Rhymefest to this picnic, there is the possibility that Kanye West might tag along and bring a batch of his special cheesy potatoes. But did we not see Kanye last year (If so, I’m sorry because Manu Chao rocked)? Now you might be saying, “what could Cold War Kids bring that is better than Kanye’s cheesy potatoes?” And I would have to say, “Booze and ice cream. Delicious, delicious booze and ice cream.”
– Michael Yohanan