Some people love Halloween. Others love Christmas. Still others love Easter, or Purim. However, there is a tiny, tiny breed of people who absolutely love a certain day more than any other – Election Day!! (These people actually do exist; it’s not like Carlye’s roommate has a running countdown on her homepage or anything…)
So, in the closest thing to an actual point-counterpoint that they have ever done before, Brian and Carlye will explore Illinois’ own version of the “Governator-effect” by posing the question: What Illinois musician should be our next Governor?
Let the political debate begin…
Carlye: If you love Skol liquor, vote Pete for Governor!
I don’t think famous people should dabble in politics. Or anything else for that matter. I’ve never quite understood why musicians need to act, or actors need to sing, or dance or run for the California government. But, since I’m forced to pick, I’ll go with the first idea that struck me – not because I’m lazy, but because its 3 a.m., I just got back from a Saturday night at the bars and I’m too schwasty to think hard, or at all, for that matter. But, here’s my candidate: Pete Wentz, lead singer of Fall Out Boy.
A little odd, I know, but, just think about it for a second. True, he wouldn’t be the man to turn the country’s government around or anything, but he sure would be entertaining!
The first thing a guy like Pete would need are people who will support him. And well, you can’t deny it, he’s got quite a following. When *NSYNC split up, the fanbase of all the 12-year-old preteens in the world needed someone to turn to, and in stepped super-faux punk rockers Fall Out Boy. Hell, when elected to office he would basically have his own mini-army of converse-wearing, legging-and-skirt layering, pink-and-black-and-fishnet clad lobbyists.
Then, there are his political views. He’s a loyal Chicagoan, and I’m pretty sure that he’s quite liberal. I like Chicago, and I like liberals. So, by the Additive Property or Transitive Property or some other pointless mathematical bullshit like that, I therefore vote Pete Wentz for Governor.
However, the best part of his hypothetical governorship has to be this: he’s already got himself a scandal, just like all the important politicians. Clinton got himself a sweet BJ from an intern, Bush’s administration is so awful that Comedy Central was forced to add another television program since a daily half-hour slot could not adequately cover his mistakes, Foley clearly never realized that the opposite of the phrase, “if there’s grass on the field, play ball” isn’t “play anyway” – it’s “whatever you do, don’t fucking get caught!” And of course, Pete Wentz’s penis is floating around the internet. (Well, photos of it from his Sidekick-not his actual penis, that would be bizarre, and a little too Matrix-like for the comprehensive level I’m at right now after double fisting rum-diets and vodka-pineapples.)
I believe that Ol’ Petey boy is set up for political success, and I definitely plan on voting for him for our next Governor. Don’t forget the power you possess when it comes to write-ins on the ballot next Tuesday -take that pen out and dedicate yourself to what shall be a sad, depressing emo future: VOTE WENTZ 2006!
Brian: Eat lots of Ramen? Vote for Common
The Chicago MC, Common, born Lonnie Rashied Lynn, would no doubt be the best governor Illinois has had in some time.
Exhibit A: He is uncommonly fashionable. Our state is in dire need of a makeover; this year’s governor candidates are proof of that. Rod Blagojevich and Judy Barr Topinka are indisputably the ugliest people I’ve ever seen on television. The clothes and the hair-these things just wouldn’t be tolerated in a more fashion-conscious state of the Union. Common, with his well-manicured beard and properly adjusted headwear would let the country know what this state prides itself on: being urban-hip and color coordinating.
Exhibit B: He has mad flow. I often find myself wondering if Rod Blagojevich ever learned to speak prior to becoming governor; he still seems new to it. I’m also fairly confident Ms. Topinka exclusively grunts when she stands in front of a podium. Common, on the other hand, not only delivers the most lyrically complex rhymes with the finesse of a ballet dancer, but he can do it completely impromptu. What we need is an expert free-styler in office. Common would verbally dance around his opponents, and in addition to shaming them and their family, would get stuff done in Springfield. If scandal or controversy arose, all he would need is a soulful beat sample, and catastrophe would be avoided eloquently (with a hint of street attitude).
Exhibit C: With socially conscious content and intelligence in his songs, found rarely in any form of music, Common would be a reformer. Helping those in need, not going to jail … Common would be the opposite of any governor Illinois has had in half a century. Well dressed, well spoken, well meaning, Common is the rhyming machine we need running our state. So, remember the immortal words of Sean “Diddy” Combs: VOTE OR DIE!