Spin it round, Flip it and Reverse it

It’s no surprise that stars love sex, money and drugs; preferably a combination of all three. Recently, though, it seems they love reinventing themselves even more than they love threesomes, gold coins and cocaine. Paris Hilton, famous for nothing sans her night-vision-green vagina, released an album two weeks ago, making herself the latest celebrity to join the non-singers-attempting-to-sing trend. We’ve all heard of the celebrity crossover, but has it gone too far? With last week’s premiere of Celebrity Duets (we’re not making this up, we promise), Carlye and Brian find it the right time to ask themselves … Paris Hilton – MP3 or VHS?

Carlye: VHS, please!

Paris Hilton should just stick to infamous sex tapes. Given, One Night in Paris may be the worst porno on the market, but in comparison, it’s way better than her other work. House of Wax proved that she can’t act, The Simple Life showed that she can’t operate as a human being and her Carl’s Jr. commercial revealed that she can’t even wash a goddamn car. Instead of jumping ship on everything else she sucks at for a record deal, she should have tried some self-improvement.

The sex tape was shitty quality and not that entertaining, but you know what? Everyone watched it. Instead of wasting time pretending to sing or blowing Scott Storch so he’d mix her tracks, it would have been way more beneficial to make a (good) sex tape with … Matt Leinart. Think about it – guys would love it; girls would love it; hot + hot = hot; and no one would have to hear “Stars are Blind” ever, ever again. Mmm, utopia.

In general though, this crossover madness needs to end. Celebrity Duets, Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars – everyone needs to stop trying to be known for … what they’re not known for. (Jared Leto, you’re no exception – stop wearing that f-ing ridiculous eyeliner.) So Paris, please help – opportunity is calling, so answer the phone, no matter what Rick Solomon says.

Brian: MP3.

Stars are blind, but many are proving themselves far from deaf. Many a celebrity, from movie stars to heiresses, are all giving it the ol’ college try and coming out with albums. Some people – some normal, boring people – are way too caught up on this. This is a typical dinner conversation at such a plebeian’s home:

“All these young, beautiful celebrities think they can do whatever they want.”
– plebeian 1.

“Yes, I am jealous of their wealth and influence and will judge them because of my insecurities.”
-plebeian 2.

Though there seems to be an influx of celebrities becoming musicians (i.e. Paris, Nicole, Raven, Hulk Hogan’s daughter…), there have always been stars who have delved into musical careers. Judy Garland was both a serious actress and a well respected recording artist. An intelligent person would argue how musicals were the dominant genre at the time and the talented singer/actresses were necessary, but I know that most readers are far from intelligent people.

Music today is 100 percent mediocre. Whether it’s some wealthy man’s daughter or discovered “raw talent,” the songs will end up the same. Pop stars don’t write, play or even sing their own songs. Personally, I think Paris Hilton or Hilary Duff recording albums is saving pop music; at least the artist is someone already interesting, instead of a faceless flavor of the week.

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