Spin It Round, Flip It and Reverse It

The Black Eyed Peas entered the Top 40 world with their hit “Where Is the Love.” The previously underground/underrated hip-hop group seemed to finally get their kudos, so to speak, and become known for their quality work. Shortly after, all their glory came crashing down with the addition of Fergie to the group. Yes, from respected hip-hop group to an absurd, “My Humps”-overexposed joke nearly overnight, The Black Eyed Peas owe a lot of their success to Fergie-Ferg. Now, her debut solo album is out and it begs the universal question … what is Fergilicious?


Fergilicious is the best way to describe the best things in the world. The taste of cold lemonade, hot chocolate, deep-fried Snickers bars; Fergilicious is refreshing and sweet, simple yet sophisticated. The first time I heard Fergie’s single “London Bridge,” I essentially vomited. Well, I guess I actually did vomit … it was a mess. But, the second time I heard it, I only burped once or twice, and I began to appreciate it for what it was.

A beat that belongs with Gwen Stefani, a vibe that belongs with the new and improved Nelly Furtado and a lyrical flow that belongs nowhere, “London Bridge” is a collage of proven musical elements that when put together are absolutely horrendous. Like the unfortunate combination of “rock” and “rap,” Fergie made a song that was like playing every “NOW 85” song overlapped … and it got messy.

But before you think I’m dismissing the pop princess, let me spin it a different way. You know those bowls KFC started making? Yes, the ones with mashed potatoes, chicken, corn and whatever condiments laying around all smashed together. “Ew, that’s disgusting,” you say, and true, it is. But, at the same, isn’t it delicious and amazing? That’s what Fergilicious is, it’s how one would describe eating one of those KFC bowls – disgusting and ethically wrong, but still lovable. Fergie, though totally repulsive and unappealing, has managed to drop the London Bridges of our hearts.


The concept of Fergilicious reminds me of marzipan. Your first thoughts of “Oh, how cute! That looks like it might be fun!,” are immediately followed by “Ew, that made no sense … what the fuck was that?” Fergilicious is confusing, brow-furrowing and can describe anyone who thinks they’re hot when they’re just a hot ass mess.

I still don’t know why Fergie needed to invent an adjective to describe herself. It’s not like the phrase “dumb meth head” was taken or anything. But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this overplayed carnival of irritating musical effects and lyrics, it’s that she can’t spell, nor decide if she’s a whore or not. She’s just … Fergilicious, you know?

Take Will.i.am, who is featured on the song, for example. He may be my favorite Pea, but his shameless over-promotion of Fergie as a tasty, fun-time candy treat might have done him in. In an “I’ll spell it out letter-by-letter so small children around me won’t understand” way, he repetitively ingrains into our minds that Fergie is both “Delicious” and “Tastey” – yes, with an unexplainable, highly confusing misspelled E.

Then, there’s the issue of Fergie herself. Her entire song consists of the denial that she’s easy, promiscuous and sleazy, though she fesses up to being a cocktease. Sort of. She just “can’t be treated like clientele.” Well, good thing it isn’t sleazy to write an ad campaign in the form of a pop song to advertise your body as a yummy, edible treat. Otherwise, we’d have an issue.

Although listening to this song as many times as I just did is maddening, I suppose being Fergilicious has its perks. Such as, being D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S. Actually, I’d rather be Fergilicious than Britneylicious. I haven’t seen pictures of Fergie’s cooter on the Internet yet. Though, if she truly is Fergilicious, there might just be a heavy emphasis on the word “yet.”

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