Mark Twain once said that when you’ve tasted watermelon, you know what the angels eat. Many have said that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. A select few people state proudly that nothing is more phallic than a banana. Yes, fruit has always held our imaginations and our mouths captive. Most recently, they have also captured our ears. That Fruit of the Loom music video commercial not only shows us the comfort of briefs, but also the musical talent of food. At Spin It, we have taken this to the next level – what food would make the best musician? What could rock the mic or nail a solo better than any mere human? Carlye and Brian discuss their ideal food-sician.
Brian: Cucumber on bass
Yes, in a mystery more gripping and difficult to understand than that of Jesus’ dual spiritual nature, a food-sician is both a totally eatable food item and a brilliant musician. But, which food would be the best? Well, let’s just say that picking one has put me in quite a pickle … or cucumber, that is.
We all know cucumbers are as cool as themselves, and it is this calm collectedness and cutting edge attitude that earns this vegetable its top spot. And what better instrument for this rocking veggie to rock onstage than the coolest thing to sling round your shoulders – the bass guitar?
When cucumber rocks the bass, cucumber wears his strap really low. I mean we’ve all seen the cucumbers painted on the Pita Pit wall; sure they’re Veggie Tale-like, but those googly eyes shout not only danger, but also, “do me.” Well, maybe not to everyone, but that attitude is exactly what I think makes a great bass player. If Carlos D. of Interpol transfigured into a tasty green, would it not be a cucumber? When you got seeds, you got soul.
Carlye: Introducing, Francheezie, the lead singer
Deep fried Twinkies. Super Gulps. Turducken. The fatties of America are pretty good at inventing some tasty, artery-clogging snacks, which is exactly why everyone in this wonderfully obese country would appreciate a sort-of-cheese-dog fronting their favorite band.
Before I explode from excitement by mentally picturing a cute tiny francheezie with cute tiny legs and cute tiny hands and a cute little tiny face, I think it’s best if I start off by explaining what this delectable treat truly is. You take a hot dog, cut it down the middle, fill it with cheddar cheese, wrap bacon around it, and in most cases, deep fry it. I used to eat these all the time at Barnum and Bagel restaurant with my Grandpa, and … you know, after thinking through that memory, I’m at a loss for why I can never answer the, “Wait, why were you so fat when you were younger?” question.
Anywho, this highly caloric and exciting twist on hot dogs would make for the best lead singer of a band. All lead singers need to be physically attractive – it wouldn’t be right if the looker of the group was a lowly bassist or plebian keyboardist. (They’re supposed to be the ones that get the lead singer’s ugly, leftover groupies.) Francheezie would be so physically interesting with his multi-animal, dairy-filled look that our tummies would rumble just from thinking about him.
Lead singers also need to have charisma. But, what isn’t charismatic about a Francheezie? He’s transgressed all typical aspects of cuisine and Kosher rulings to dance his way into the still-healthy hearts of America’s youth. He should capitalize on the music business, and make his mark alongside the Bonos, Jaggers and Cobains of rock history.
Francheezie would also make a great, patriotic role model. He represents all that America is –
a melting pot with different bits and pieces from various places, horribly unhealthy, crazy and weird, but deep down, wonderful. He’s practically Uncle Sam, except he doesn’t convince you to try your hand at killing foreigners. All Francheezie wants is to feed you … feed you some rock and roll!
Irritated yet? We hope not. Let us know your ideas, and what you want us to pretend to fight about at SpinItFlipIt@gmail.com.