Proving justice still exists, the FCC has recently punished Clear Channel and the rest of their brain-controlling radio buddies for forcing us to listen to Puddle of Mudd and Nickelback until we puked out our souls. For accepting payola from the major labels (Sony, Warner, Universal and EMI) the fascist radio monopolies will have to pay a fine of $12.5 million dollars. On top of that, to really stick it to those suits who think they can control music, the radio giants will be forced to play 8,400 half-hour blocks of independent music for free. Any label not associated with the big guys or have less than 5% of the market are in for a treat. In celebration of the potential for good music on the radio, Carlye and Brian are making some suggestions on what bribe-fueled pop should be replaced and by whom.
Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” replaced with “Wrath Pinned To The Mist (And Other Games)” by of Montreal
Natasha’s track was used in the opening sequence of The Hills. of Montreal’s song was used in an Applebee’s commercial. Both (debatably) succumbed to “The Man,” but which reigns supreme?
Let’s metaphorize each tune with what it represents: “Unwritten” has become an anthem for girly girls who like the sun, tanning, standing in the rain and having no plans for their future. “Wrath Pinned To The Mist” stands for Bloomin’ Onions. When each song is whittled down to its core – a poppy cell phone ring tone or one of the best appetizers ever created – it’s easy to see which deserves airplay.
If you support a gigantic fried onion, I will undoubtedly support you. Therefore, let’s get that crazy fuck Kevin Barnes on the radio more often.
Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” replaced with “The Big Fight” by Stars
OK Beyonce, I get it – you can hit notes higher than Mariah Carey, you’re a strong, confident woman and you don’t need a man. But B, haven’t we already heard two horrendous Destiny’s Child albums about it?
Stars’ male-female duet about the sad freedom that comes along with a breakup is sleepy, remorseful and truthful. Beyonce’s upbeat vocal rollercoaster contains uber-confident lyrics about how she’ll replace her cheatin’ man within only one minute.
One minute, folks. That’s about enough time to find a male specimen, explain the situation to him, and ask him to pull down his pants. Move the smutty tunes “to the left,” as B says, and crank up the Broken Social Scene side project.
Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around (Comes Back Around)” replaced with “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off” by Peter, Bjorn & John
I used to be cool with JT. “SexyBack” slowly grew to be lovably irritating, and every time “My Love” was played in public, I embarrassingly found myself pretending like I knew how to pop and lock.
Then came the next track to round out Justin’s “*NSYNC will not be the death of my career!” musical trifecta – a whiny, bitchy, pop-opera riddled with even more of his “wah-wah, she left me” lyrics.
While JT’s song is a melancholy musical circus, Peter, Bjorn & John’s kickass hit will make you bust out into a giddy dance while asking, “So … how about that break-up sex?”
PB&J (wow, even their acronym is dee-licious) are so good, that if they ruled the airwaves, I’d donate money to support payola, and possibly even peanut butter, if their corporate sponsorships extended that far. Mmm, PB&J …
Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel” replaced with “I Go to the Barn Because I like the” by Band of Horses
One of the greatest mysteries to me is why Hinder’s single is/was so immensely popular. A band that’s a Nickelback rip-off shouldn’t ever be able to survive. It’s like making a clone of a poorly-made clone. You know that freak clone is going to have issues. The only explanation for the rise of Hinder is payola, straight up!
Therefore, I propose to the FCC that they should make those Clear Channel scumbags play the best acoustic ballad of last year, “I Go to the Barn Because I like the” from Sub Pop’s Band of Horses. Simple and sentimental, it paints a Say Anything-like image. Two-part harmonies and pedal steel adds to the mix to make this song the perfect counter to the worst song ever put on the radio.
KT Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See” replaced with “1 2 3 4” by Feist
KT Tunstall wants to be everything Leslie Feist is. Immensely talented, a great songwriter and totez hot, the Broken Social Scenester has it going on. KT Tunstall, on the other hand, writes songs specifically for Linens ‘n Things’ muzak. Her new album (coming out in May if you don’t own a computer and use it to ‘acquire’ music) The Reminder feature’s “1 2 3 4,” the best female pop song I’ve heard in a long time. Upbeat, pretty and super catchy, it could beat the pants off of Tunstall’s corporate-sponsored light rock.
Fall Out Boy’s “This Ain’t a Scene it’s an Arms Race” replaced with “A Pillar of Salt” by The Thermals
Pete Wentz’s juvenile and idiotic lyrics coupled with Patrick Stump’s annoying voice makes for one of the worst songs on rotation right now. Punk music is more or less dead, and Fall Out Boy has hammered the final nail. But, like the phoenix, there is a rebirth. The Thermals put out one of the best albums last year and their single should be played twice as often as FOB’s poo-fest of a song on the radio. You heard me, Fall Out Boy is a poo-fest.