A Quickie With …

If you still don’t know who the hilariously entertaining Matt & Kim are, here’s your chance. While the things they discussed with me offstage (If they were cartoon characters, they would be vigilantes who beat up city dwellers, if in charge of the country, they would outlaw smoking and neck tattoos) were as funny as what they discussed on stage (their late entrance because Kim had to poop, Matt telling Kim that even though she thought her boobs looked big on the “Jumbovision,” they really didn’t), we couldn’t print it all, so here’s a taste of what they said while answering questions and playing a rousing game of “Would You Rather” while sitting in a shady patch of grass at Lollapalooza:

Buzz: Would you rather have a foot-long eyelash you could never pluck, or an earlobe the size of a basketball?

K: An earlobe the size of a basketball. You know how many earrings you could put on that shit?

M: A basketball earlobe?

K: I could just BLING it!

Buzz: (To Matt) And yourself?

M: I mean, I’d have to say the long eyelash.

Buzz: But you’d have to cut a hole through your glasses –

K: Or you could just maybe wrap it around? Maybe that would help your –

M: I usually wear that nerd strap, I could just tie it to both sides, falls off, my eyelid’s like, hanging down, wouldn’t that be freaky!?

Buzz: Would you rather get free chocolate for a year or free potatoes forever?

K: Oh, I don’t know! I really like potatoes, too!

M: One time we were in the van, we drove for like three hours –

K: You have to understand, it’s just the two of us in the van –

M: So neither of us are saying anything, and for like three hours I’m just driving and Kim’s sitting next to me, and she just looks over at me and she goes, “I think I just love potatoes.” And then I say, “What?” And she says, “I mean, like, french fries, baked potatoes.” I don’t remember all the –

K: Mashed potatoes! Sweet potatoes!

M: Sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, home fries, “I just love potatoes!” And I’m like, “Are you serious, Kim? Where did that come from?” So, yeah, that’s a tough one!

K: I don’t even know, I couldn’t decide! [pauses] Alright, chocolate.

M: Chocolate!

Buzz: I think I’d go potatoes.

M: Yeah, I’d get sick of chocolate quick. Potatoes, that could feed you for a lifetime. You could make so many different things out of potatoes.

Buzz: What if you could also get, like, Reese’s?

K: I love Reese’s – my favorite. I used to – I feel like I’m just telling you shit you don’t want to hear [laughs] – where I grew up, people didn’t have a lot of money there, so when you could actually get something like a candy bar, you fuckin’ ate that shit as fast as you can, so that no one could get it. You would even do things like, you’d lick it, and think, “If I lick it, no one would eat it.” People I grew up with, they just fuckin’ grab that and take a bite. If I had a Reese’s peanut butter cup, I’d open it and shove the whole thing in my mouth and I eat it really quick, and when Matt and I started dating, it really grossed him out.

M: So gross. She’d just open it up, the whole thing would go in, gone, second one in, gone.

Buzz: Would you rather be bornwith a refrigerator on your back, or an elephant as a significant other?

M: Elephant.

K: Elephant!

M: I mean, a refrigerator – Jesus.

K: But that sounds like loading and unloading every day on tour.

Buzz: But you’d always

have food.

M: Yeah, cold ones, Kim loves a cold beer.

K: What if we start thinking about these things, can we call you later and be like, “We changed our minds! Refrigerator!” [laughs]

M: Yeah, when you’re really drunk, you’re like, “Man, this beer is so warm! I wish I had a refrigerator on my back to put it in!”

Buzz: “I wish this elephant wasn’t slurping up everything I own!” Do you guys watch that show Man vs. Wild?

M: Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

K: [To Matt] Didn’t we watch that at your parents’? Supposedly he like, stays in a hotel every night –

Buzz: I read that! How horrible is that!

K: Shit man, if I could stay in a hotel every night, I would do it! [Laughs]

Buzz: But then again, he did squeeze water from elephant poop to drink it.

M: Really?

Buzz: Yeah.

K: Alright, you deserve it.

M: Yeaaaah, you’ve earned it.

Buzz: Would you rather be a tree, or live in a tree?

K: Live in a tree.

M: Mmhm. I love myself a treehouse. I never had a proper tree house, I was like, “Dad, I want a treehouse SO bad, will you make me a treehouse?” He’s like, “Ok.” And he just like, nailed a board into a branch and I was like [sarcastically], “Word, Dad. Nice treehouse.”

Buzz: Would you rather live in Antarctia or Death Valley?

M: Antarctica for real. I hate the heat. I grew up in Vermont and –

Buzz: Oh, are youuu a Phish fan? We all have this stereotype.

M: Yeah, when I tell people I’m from Vermont, a couple times people are just like, “So, you just like listen to Phish and hang out at the Ben and Jerry factory?” “Yeah, pretty much.”

Buzz: Yeah! [laughs] Is there any food thrown at you that you’re grossed out by after the “Yea Yeah” video shoot? (myspace.com, search “Matt & Kim”)

Kim: Not that we couldn’t eat it, but I would never want to smell pickles and whipped cream together again. But, I mean, I’ll still eat a fucking ton of pickles!

M: And I’ll eat some whipped cream! No doubt!

K: Just don’t mix that shit.

M: Don’t have like, a pickle brine float with whipped cream on top. Aw man, pickle

brine float.

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