If you’re going to this weekend’s Pitchfork Music Festival you’ll not only be seeing some great musical acts but will also be tired, hungry and sweating beyond all levels of reasonability. With this in mind, you’re going to need some mental stimulation to stay focused and sharp-witted to enjoy the festivities. Being the thoughtful columnist I am, this week I’m providing you with just that by way of a scavenger type hunt! So cut out this column and sew it to your forearm, kids, and have fun this weekend.

Check off each item found during the weekend.

1. Someone wearing headphones while watching a band

2. A girl wearing at least two dresses at the same time

3. A man in a skin-tight three-piece suit

4. Unicyclist

5. A pack of teens who probably thought this was the Warped Tour

6. Cut-off jeans (double points for extra-hairy legs)

7. A lost and bewildered middle-aged person

8. Someone who specifically came to see Clipse

9. A person waving while on their cell phone

10. A person saying, “No I can’t see you,” on a cell phone (double points if 10 is standing back to back with 9)

11. A girl in leggings and a Phish t-shirt / Carlye Wisel

12. A person smoking two cigarettes at the same time

13. A baby who should probably be taken out of the sun and needs

a diaper change

14. A shirtless dude who should probably be taken out of the sun and needs a diaper change

15. People playing Frisbee in the middle of the park / douche bags

16. A security guard who looks really annoyed by the music playing

(double points if it’s Deerhunter)

17. Fred Armisen (from SNL)

18. Nakedness

If you’re not attending the festival, take solace in the fact that you won’t have to see any of these people (particularly number 11). If you’re going and want to get to see the best acts – coincidentally, the same bands I’m going to see – then here’s the Brian-approved schedule:

Saturday, July 14

2 p.m. Voxtrot (Connector Stage)

3 p.m. Grizzly Bear (Aluminum Stage)

6:15 p.m. Oxford Collapse (Balance Stage)

8:30 p.m. Girl Talk (Balance Stage)

9 p.m. Yoko Ono (Aluminum Stage)

Sunday, July 15

1 p.m. Fred Lonberg-Holm’s Lightbox Orchestra (Balance Stage)

2 p.m. Menomena (Connector Stage)

5 p.m. Jamie Lidell (Aluminum Stage)

6 p.m. Stephen Malkmus (Connector Stage)

8 p.m. New Pornographers (Connector Stage)

See you all there. YAY music websites!

This weekend, Brian will refuse to wear sunscreen and be very burned, despite his insisting his Ecuadorian genes prevent such a thing from happening, and can be reached at brianmcgo@gmail.com

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