Is Al Green Right For You?

Al Green makes really good studying music. I don’t know if it’s because it’s relaxing or if it makes me enjoy studying in a deep, sensual level. Either way, Al Green helped me power through a monumental 10 page consumerism paper on a handful of books I may or may not have read. Either way, Al Green made me happier, more confident and noticeably more soulful. Over break, my high school friends commented on my complexion. What makes it so clear and healthy? Well, Al Green, of course.
Friend 1: But wait, I’ve heard that’s just a bunch commercial hoopla from the pharmaceutical companies trying to sell us something we don’t need.
Brian: Well, you’ve heard wrong. Maybe if you turned down your left wing, socialist-loving National Public Radio for two seconds you would hear that millions of Americans use and need Al Green on a daily basis.
Friend 2: But Brian, how do you know if Al Green is right for you?
Brian: True, Al Green isn’t right for everyone. It’s important to talk to your doctor and/ or your John Cusak in High Fidelity-type friend before you try Al Green. Women who don’t want to become pregnant, anyone with a history of heart conditions, or guys with barbed wire tattoos shouldn’t use Al Green.
Friend 1: That sounds like there’s dangerous side effects.
Brian: You’re just a big downer number one. Side effects include smoothness, irresistible grooving and the uncontrollable urge to speak in falsetto.
Friend 2: Can Al Green become addictive? Have excessive users developed a dependency to Al Green?
Brian: What are you talking about? Excessive users? You can’t get too much Al Green. I get just as much as I need to get me through the day. I’m not dependent.
Friend 1: Why are you scratching your self like that?
Friend 2: Brian, your hair is falling out; I don’t think Al Green is —
Brian: Don’t you bad mouth him man, Al Green’s all I have. These darn bugs. I scratch because of the bugs; these funky, dancing bugs.
Friend 1: Oh my God, he looks like Emily Rose.
Friend 2: This is just like when Liz started abusing James Blunt. The highs are as big and high as their voices, but the lows go below even Green’s or Blunt’s register.
The makers of Al Green urge its customers to use sparingly and only when necessary. Al Green is so smooth and so sexy you may think you’ll never need anything else again. Make Green a small part of a well balanced, nutritional musical meal. Never mix Mr. Green with musical soundtracks (Hairspray, Rent, etc.), because the potency of Al Green will be nullified. Ask your doctor about Al Green today.

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